A couple weeks ago, I yelled at Jeff while I was putting the finishing touches on dinner, a whole roasted chicken from vol. 2 of Magnolia Table. I’m on a mission to find my favorite Roasted Chicken recipe. In my mind, this is a thing that grown ups do. They have a go to Roast Chicken recipe and a skin care routine with more than one step.
In the last few minutes before dinner, I told Jeff: “I need you to make sure Lucy doesn’t come in the kitchen. I’m going to have the oven open for a minute.”
“Okay.” He said. “I’ve got her.”
I opened the oven and spooned the white wine and butter sauce over the crispy skin and caramelized vegetables and as I admired my handiwork I heard the familiar pitter patter of bare toddler feet.
I slammed the oven shut and yelled “ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?!” At the top of my lungs while staring daggers at Jeff. With all of our windows open. Super.
“I’m sorry” he said. I glared at him again. “I said I’m sorry!” He said again. “I said I had her and I didn’t. I’m sorry.”
The end. That was it. We moved on, ate dinner, and went through our normal evening routine without cold shoulders or snide remarks. The chicken was lovely and so was the rest of our night as a family.
This is an example of solvable conflict, which makes up the minority of conflict in our intimate relationships, about 31% according to the Gottman Institute. With such a small percentage of our conflict being simple, surface level stuff, it’s important that we recognize these solvable conflicts when they arise and work through them well.
Here are a few tips for recognizing and solving surface level conflicts so they don’t spread roots and grow out of control.
Recognize that it’s not that deep
Now, let me be clear. I am skilled at creating deeper meaning about things that just aren’t that deep. I could have made this into a whole thing about how if Jeff really cared, he would pay more attention. I could position myself as the martyr who can’t let her guard down because she’s the only one who can really be trusted. “Do I have to do everything myself?” I could howl.
But for the love of all that is good, there is only so much energy to give and I don’t want to waste it on making up stories about my husband that are neither true nor helpful.
Embrace anger
Anger, just like every other human emotion, is normal and serves an important function. Sadly, many women have been made to feel as though anger is something to be ashamed of. When Jeff wasn’t watching Lucy, I had every right to be angry. I’d done my part by clearly stating that I expected him to keep her away from the oven and he’d agreed to meet that expectation. By not paying attention, he was putting both of us at risk of getting hurt. So yeah, I was angry.
Express yourself
Yelling “ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?!” Released the emotions from my body and my mind. If I had told Jeff to grab her and then said something like “it’s fine” with a tone that clearly communicated that it was anything but fine, and then proceeded to let my anger grow and deepen all evening, it would have cast a shadow over the rest of the night. I would have spent hours overthinking the situation and assigning it all kinds of meaning that it didn’t deserve. By allowing myself to be angry and express that anger, I could move through it. When our spouse does something that makes us feel disappointed, frustrated, unwanted, unseen, etc., it’s important to let ourselves experience that emotion, express it, and then move through it. Emotions expressed are emotions released. Emotions released are free to leave the confines of our ribs and shoulders and necks. Emotions expressed are a weight lifted.
Stay on topic
Do not, I repeat, do not bring up that thing from last week or last month or last year and how your spouse “always does this”. If you catch yourself feeling the need to bring up unresolved issues triggered by the familiar emotions in the present moment, that’s okay. It’s a good reminder to make time to work through those other things, but now is not that time. Now is only to deal with this issue.
Focus on your friendship
At the core of your relationship is your friendship. You respect and enjoy one another. So when the moment has passed and the conflict has been repaired, come back to the truth that you really like each other and make it a priority to deepen that friendship. Conflicts are generally resolved faster and more thoroughly when our overall experience of our spouse is a positive one.
If you’re interested in gaining more tools to improve communication and conflict resolution and find more joy in your marriage, click here to book a session with me at no charge to find out if coaching might be the right fit for you.